Random popups from the past

My friend told me he was googling his college friends and finding out high school secrets – xangas, photobuckets, etc.

Apparently I had written in my xanga about a year ago: xanga.com/jaywykay

Not very many, or of high quality. It was fun going over them.

I’m really not sure if I changed or not hahaha

Pickle

It’s pretty odd.

For all my indecision and uncertainty, I usually know what I want and how I feel. The deliberation is usually more a process of justification and rationalization. Sometimes it’s more difficult to “flesh out” (such a lovehate relationship with that phrase) the specifics, but I usually know the general direction.

That’s partly what this blog was for. To just rant and vent and bitch until I could rant and vent and bitch no more. To let go of all the thoughts that I lazily try to keep in my head. To figure out what it is I really feel and why I feel it. They may not be contained within the blog itself, but I have come to several near-epiphanies while blogging. The other purpose of this blog was to showcase my brilliance to the world.

Right now though, I don’t know how I feel. I don’t know what I want. I kind of feel like a sad actor trying to play a happy role or vice versa. And honestly, I don’t even know which it is. It’s not quite bittersweet, but it’s similar. Most of my bittersweet emotions have come at a time when I would be “sweet” about the future arriving, but “bitter” about the past ending. Right now, the past isn’t sweet, but neither is the future. But for some reason, I don’t feel “bitter.”

There are no hints, no reasons, no excuses. Just what is.

I don’t know. Bummer.

I’m envious of people who can make bold statements with no qualifiers

Setting goals that are inharmonious with dreams – is that being a quitter or being mature?

Don’t you hate it when work takes longer than you expected?

I was supposed to be done writing and revising my paper due tomorrow about 40 minutes ago. But I’m still up, so you know how efficient I was.

Even though time is ticking and I am just taking time away from my sleep, I shall write some random thoughts down. I needed a break anyways.

So last week (I think), I made a blog post about how friends can be awesome or something. Some really deep (ie: emo) stuff. And some of the people who chanced upon it (because I told them to look), actually enjoyed it.

Writing a some-what emotional blog and brain farting into the text box and hearing nice things from normally mean people reminded me of why I started this thing. I love the compliments. Seriously, can’t get enough of it.

So here’s a request: if you happened to wander by my page and think I’m brilliant, please leave a comment. If you think my writing is shit and my thinking/logic even worse, feel free to comment as well. Just, be gentle with your word choice please. If you think I’m average and don’t really care, just say hello.

Anyways, as I was running off the adrenaline of writing a blog entry and hearing nice things from people who aren’t my mom (who is awesome), I decided to enter in a writing contest. There was a writing contest at the London center for students who wished to express, in whatever artistic form (photo, movie, writing, etc), how London has changed them. Or something like that. So naturally, I pulled an all nighter. At around 6AM, inspiration came to me, and I wrote and wrote and wrote. After much fuss, I handed in my piece and felt pretty good about it. So good, in fact, that I began telling my friends (at least half jokingly) that I basically won the contest, the judging was just a formality. Now, if you know how I like to joke around, this is perfectly normal. After all, I am the embodiment of perfection. However, I began to be really excited about this thing (winner gets GBP 125!!!). Maybe luck will be on my side and the judges will be warmed by my claim that London gave me goals in life (which it did)!

And then, I lost. Didn’t even get third. Drats.

I really hate losing.

Fleeting

It’s funny how much we care about inconsequential matters.

There are times when we feel like certain people in our lives – friends, mentors, girlfriends, whatever – seem like an inseparable part of our lives. When life inevitably begins moving on, we feel threatened and try to hold on to those people (sometimes things) who seem colossal in our lives. When the inevitable drifting apart happens, a blame game is played and there is always a latent desire to go back.

If we are lucky enough, we often get to relive another part of our lives at different “breaks” in life – attending high school reunions, returning to camp counseling, being a bum, returning to a childhood memory. And it feels great to relive those moments, those moments that were immortalized and glorified through careful, subconscious additions and omissions. We gather in a circle, maybe a beer in hand, and tell stories that everyone in the circle already knows. And it’s still damn funny every single time. It’s great, we remember why these people were so precious to us back then. However, when this reunion is finished, the same emptiness remains. They are them now, and we are us now. It was fun reminiscing, but somehow time created a chasm that we cannot cross; we tell stories of our more recent adventures and laughs are shared, but the genuine laughter, the communal experience of experiencing together is lost.

Occasionally, though, there are people who walk into our lives who forge an odd union with us.  There will be droughts in our relationship – months, years – and somehow nothing changes. Of course, everthing else except us two changes. Even we have changed, but it’s almost as if we changed together, while separated, in some fundamental way – our essences were too intertwined, too fated to drift. In the midst of living a life full of fleeting moments, where we are constantly grabbing on to anything and everything we can anchor ourselves upon as emblems in our lives fly past us like cars in a high way, if we can find that one person…

That’s pretty freakin’ special.

New Blog Theme

Usually new themes are indicative of changing mindsets.

There’s no such thing here, I was just bored and the pictures in my blog posts spilled over into the sidebar in my last theme.

Let’s hope I breathe in soon.

Where did you go?

A point for presentation in the debate of content vs presentation:

Everything sounds better in song

Yes?

OL FOR THE MALES

Hello readers.

OL (Opportunity of a Lifetime) is back! Since the last two posts, I’ve almost had to delete my screen name because of the large influx of girls IMing me begging for a chance to meet Kevin or Daniel (true story).

Surprisingly, I’ve also had a large male group IMing me, asking for the OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME for the heterosexual male. And so, here it is:

I PRESENT TO YOU

FRANCES KANG.

That was a joke.

You see, Frances is exactly the kind of girl that guys are looking for!

How sick and tired are you of the go-out-for-dinner-and-buy-her-food-only-to-have-her-eat-basically-nothing routine?
Well fellas, let me tell you. Frances here. She can put it away:

Note: That fork was all that was leftover from this buffet after Frances went to visit. True Story.

Also, let’s be honest here. Most guys want a good-looking girlfriend, am I not right? It would be a lie to say that no matter how not shallow a guy is, looks have no bearing in a romantic relationship. Well, let me tell you. Frances is absolutely beautiful. Here she is, at her best:

Oh my goodness, I think I almost just fell in love with her right now.

You’ve seen the pictures, and I bet you’re thinking, “She looks kinda of familiar…” Well, firstly, you need to know that Frances’ face is not the kind you forget easily. And I really mean that. Secondly, you may have seen her in your middle school class room as a motivational poster. Frances Kang, the shining beacon of hope for middle school girls all across America:

And finally, here is the cherry on top. Frances is not actually her real name. It is an alias she uses to study in America because it would be cumbersome if her fans back in S. Korea found out who she really was. She is not only famous, but extremely funny as well. Who doesn’t love a girl with a sense of humor? And here you have it, Frances Kang! Live! On television! Rare footage!!!!!

COME IM ME QUICK GENTLEMEN BEFORE THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE IS SWEPT AWAY BY SOME OTHER SUCKER!!!!